Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions - Google Job Interview Edition

Here are choice answers for this list of Google job interview questions. If you choose to use them, you do so at your own peril.

1. How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?

One hundred billion dollars. If someone pays that much, I'll gladly get it subcontracted to illegal Mexican immigrants for a fraction of the cost.

3. You need to check that your friend Bob has your correct phone number, but you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card and give it to Eve who will take the card to Bob and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure that Bob can encode the message so that Eve cannot read your phone number?

Your GPG public key fingerprint.

5. Every man in a village of 100 married couples has cheated on his wife. Every wife in the village instantly knows when a man other than her husband has cheated but does not know when her own husband has. The village has a law that does not allow for adultery. Any wife who can prove that her husband is unfaithful must kill him that very day. The women of the village would never disobey this law. One day, the queen of the village visits and announces that at least one husband has been unfaithful. What happens?

The villagers realize what an incredibly stupid courting system they have. They then convert into a liberal polyamorous society and live happily ever after.

6. A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?

If by "car" you mean "penis" and by "hotel" you mean "vagina", then presumably his wife found out. Also, what's with your obsession about people's sex habits in this interview?

8. How many vacuums are made per year in the USA?

Zero. A perfect vacuum is impossible to create. If you meant a vacuum cleaner, perhaps you should learn to articulate properly.

9. Explain the significance of "dead beef."

It is a tautology. "Beef" is always dead. When it was alive it was called a cow.

11. You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

Complain to my agent for getting me a role in the 12th Honey I Shrunk the Kids sequel.

13. Explain a database in three sentences to your 8-year-old nephew.

"Ok Timmy a database is like a filing cabinet where..."
"No, put your phone away and listen, this is very important."
"YOU WILL LISTEN TO THIS EXPLANATION OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN MILITARY ACADEMY FASTER THAN YOU CAN BLINK AN EYE!"

14. You have to get from point A to point B. You don't know if you can get there. What would you do?

Find out if I can get from point A to point B.